he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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