I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
