once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
