she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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