I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
