Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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