when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
