How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
