You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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