There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
