I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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