So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
