dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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