Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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