I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
