you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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