The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
