She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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