For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
