You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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