god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
