I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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