I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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