I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
