I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
