Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
