I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
