listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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