WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
