my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
