I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
