I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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