i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
