If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
