this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
