About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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