it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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