forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
