I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
