Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
