Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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