I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
