Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
