It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
