you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
