Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We just shotgunned beers for America
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
