how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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