Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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