You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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