He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
