mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
