I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
