everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
