Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
