and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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