I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
