listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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