is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
