how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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