i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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