I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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