he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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